Joke of the Day

[Chilbear]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing
a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he
starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in
the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard
enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have
to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women
like me from being respected at work and in the community and from
reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but
women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smart
ass on your knee."

 

[Guest]

Re: Joke of the Day

great way to start the week Chil... here's my addition.


Girls Night Out


The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" were my last words. Well, the hours passed and the Margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m. and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness. (Even when totally smashed.....3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos .. MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, $hit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Edited by: PB_43 on Sep 4, 2007 10:32 AM

my jokes will not be asterick'd!!

 

[Guest]

Re: Joke of the Day

and another one..

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel.

As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please."

Intrigued, the man said, "OK."

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tack.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball Scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, " Uh.....'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"



*ZING!!*

 

[Earendil]

Re: Joke of the Day

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a couple of jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,
"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

 

[The Stevinator]

Re: Joke of the Day

At a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone.."I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from the front of the audience yells out.... "Then fookin stop clapping, ya arsehole!"

You gotta love the Irish.

 

[cjwworld]

Re: Joke of the Day

Click on this jpeg for true Newspaper story

 

[cjwworld]

Re: Joke of the Day

A Minnesota man was stopped by a game warden near Winona recently with
two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for
its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim
around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this
ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the
truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After
several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" asked the man.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in Minnesota may not be as smart as some, but we ain't dumb either

 

[nickgavin]

Re: Joke of the Day

Here's my share:

*Top 10 Signs You Bought A Bad Computer*

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
The only chip inside is a Dorito.
You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

 

[The Stevinator]

Re: Joke of the Day

nah, they just stole that technique from a bunch of cajun boys. at least that's how i hear it.



TURNER BROWN

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE African American guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right
testicle, Turner Brown."

The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels
down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little
guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall,
I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3
pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said "Turn
around."

 

[Guest]

Re: Joke of the Day

What a day..........

I rear-ended a car this morning...

I could tell it was going to be a REALLY bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a
DWARF.

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

So I said, "Well, then which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started...

 

[Earendil]

Re: Joke of the Day

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed. Yes, I did." he replied. My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

" Oh...she got fired too."

 

[tapdn]

Re: Joke of the Day

Two cows are in a bar.
First cow sez "Mooooooo.."
second cow sez "I was gonna say that!"
ta-boom

 

[akalaray]

How Men Think

How Men Think

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in
her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private
area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when
she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small,
recognizable movement

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As
crazy as this sounds, maybe a li ttle oral Sex will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his
wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, I think she choked."