The Tenderizer
The Tenderizer
ID
I am the Tenderizer. Before the Univers font was, I am. I made the Film. I made the Plates. I created the PDF Pages and the Imposition Templates they inhabit; I move them here, I put them there. They go as I say, they do as I tell them. I am The Lord of The Files and my name is never spoken, the name which no one knows. I am called The Tenderizer, but that is not my name. I am. I shall always be. Your 36 layer .ai file with transparency is now mine; I shall flatten it as I see fit. To Me, your vitriolic wails and lamentations are merely the sound of one hand clapping.
EGO
**Ring, ring!**
"Tenderizer Press, this is T, how may I help you?"
"Well, hello Ms. Hubris... so you received your hardcopy proof..."
"Yes..I see... one moment, let me pull up the file..."
" Ok, Yes, I see here in our preflight form that we noted all the hairline rules were four color build ...but.. you did not want to change them..."
"Yes, the 'outlines' you're describing are called traps... yes, it's necessary to do that because on press the paper tends to.. yes, you see it stretches in the direction of the grain... no... not wood-grain... no there's nothing wrong with our press, its just.. it's just a physical reality of the printing process..."
"Yes.. we noted the .gif files in the preflight form... that's the result of a low resolution raster graphic... I see... the picture... it's... they're called Pixels... yes... the picture will look different on your monitor than on the proof... because..."
"Yes, I understand that the 'PuffyPals! Plush Toy Fan Club Newsletter' is very important to all its members. Yes, I see that... you certainly did put alot of work into your Publisher file..."
" Yes, Ma'am, I.. I'll be more than happy to have my Supervisor call you..."
"Thank you... OK... have a nice day, Ms. Hubris."
SUPEREGO
I know you want to leave in all the typos that the PITA customer didn't catch. I know you want to re-name that re-saved Photoshop file something vulgar. I know you want to add a subliminal message to the textured background of that guy's mugshot. I know you want to cherry-pick the job rack.
I know you.